i recently made friends with some queer women who are cool. for some context, i identified as a lesbian for a couple of years before i got together with my current partner. right now im feeling distance from queerness. anyway the other day one of my new friends was like "sam is very very queer!!" *made sense in context* and i keep going back to that. because yes i am very very queer!!

my partner prefers a more traditional "look," and they aren't controlling but of course you want to be attractive to your partner. they usually say "you can do xyz to your appearance, we'll just have sex less" and of course that makes me sad. and the result of these things coming together is that i do not look queer. and there's a certain level of grief in that. and being seen by other queer people in that way-- being told i belong-- was o ver whelming. and my partner also dislikes it when i dress in a "revealing" way and tells me that when i do that it can make people uncomfortable. but i feel like that's also just part of queer culture.

so my question about this is

are these feelings coming up because

a) this is a presentation/dysphoria issue and i just need to push through and present the way i want even though my partner hates it (scary, sad)

b) my partner and i are not compatible when it comes to presentation (scary, sad)

b.5) im not compatible with someone who doesnt identify as queer whatsoever (scary, sad)

c) i have bi girl with boyfriend syndrome and i just need to get over how im perceived and that feeling "queer enough" isn't a good metric for living your life (annoying)

c.5) i am obsessed with attention and shallow (annoying)

d) lesbian (scary)

oh yeah and my partner does not want to go to therapy about this which is also hell